Break-ups can be a hard time. A really hard time. You are shattered. All the gloom, that I-am-in-the-dark feeling, I-am -good-for-nothing thoughts, what next, where am I going, why me, I need chocolate, lots of ice-cream, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to do anything….like anything at all, I can’t focus, my laughter is fake, those extra doses of eye-liners and kajals to hide those puffed up eyes from the all night crying session….God! Give me a break.
Most of us, most of the time, go through some typical phases every time we go through this….this situation. More or less, a little here and there, a notch up, a notch down.
You try to carry on as if nothing has happened. Like you are ok. Absolutely fine. It doesn’t affect you. You are cool without it. You have better things to do and care about. Life hasn’t changed much just because of this. I AM FINE. Well, it doesn’t work for long. You can only fool yourself for so long. Then you are angry, you blame yourself, you blame others, you blame everything that you can see around. You deny it, you don’t want to talk about it, you feel the guilt, you feel lost. Then comes acceptance, slowly you learn to live without something you are so used to, not do things which have been a routine, actually a part of your life, a very important part indeed. One day seems like a lifetime. Then you fight the tendency to go back just to be in your comfort zone. But its over. You can’t go back. You shouldn’t go back. For your own good. Then its the memories. OMG! They are the worst. All those great times spent, the cake walks and the struggles, those fights and laughs, those endless waitings, those nights romancing…..arrggg! Stop it. Pls.
Then you see all those things which were a part of your relationship, they have been there ever since. They are there right on the table, in your cupboard, on your bed, everywhere. They should not be there anymore, there is no need. They just shouldn’t be there. But still you keep them, just to give you a feeling that you are still connected. Because you are too scared to face it and accept that its gone. But keeping them does not make any sense.
Then, one day, all of sudden, without any warning, in the middle of watching something absolutely random on tv, you will get up, and clean it all up. Bundle it up, put it into some cupboard so that you don’t have to see them anymore, and they won’t bother you as and when you walk around. Phew! That is the toughest thing to do. All the temptation to look at it once more, touch it, feel it embrace it, remember all those sleepless night you spent, those unforgettable moments you got them. But you pretend to be strong, not a drop of tear would roll. Well, that’s for the late night show when you are all alone. And when you talk to your bff. They just roll down, non-stop. There’s no control over them.
All of a sudden there is a lot of free time. There is nothing that can keep you engaged the way you used to be. You are so used to certain things. There is nothing that can replace it. There is nothing anyone can do or say to console you. You can only talk about it, think where you have been wrong, what you could have done to save this situation. But you are tired too. You don’t want others to bring it up. You don’t want to talk about it. It’s gone. It’s past. You want to focus on the future. Good!
But, there’s nothing that can motivate you either. You spend your time doing random things, watching tv, scuba diving into youtbe videos, trying to read books, trying to do something constructive, something creative, something that will bring that confidence in you back. Huh! I know, there’s no point trying. You are as pathetic as you were 2 days back. You are wasting as much time as you were 2 days back, and you will keep doing so until…something…you yourself don’t know.
As they say, time is the best medicine. You hope this time too, its charm will work. And like every other time, you feel this is the worst one of all the previous break-ups. And like every other time, you wish this is the last one. You don’t have the strength for any more pain. You are so sad that nothing can make your sadder. You feel so dejected that nothing else can push you further down. You are so depressed, you care about nothing. Come on man! There’s a limit. It’s called rock bottom, and you have hit that. There is no getting worse than this.
This time, it has been with my aspirations to be a diplomat. And I hope I don’t have to go through anymore break-ups anymore. I’m just losing it. Huh!